4 October 2009

It seems that it’s me being non-Chinese nation that trigger everything. If everything my family or I said trigger his Chinese self-esteem and patriotism (could it be a reflection of lack of confidence or low self-esteem?), I have nothing much to say. Many of my views could easily made him felt insulted – being a Chinese nation. This is no longer issue of compromising. It’s too much for me to handle!!!

I am just a normal person. I cannot handle these nationalism things. My theory is simple: We don’t ask for respect, we EARN respect. It is only those who can’t earn it or lack of confident that will always think that people are not respecting or insulting them. Yes, he can perceive me or my family as ignorant and arrogant. Go ahead. If he wants to put such a big country in between two of us and sings the patriotic tune, then, too bad, the gap is to huge to bridge and I don’t have the ability to sing along.

I have come to China and have adapted to the Chinese way of thinking and doing things. I have also been accepted as a “Chinese” by many Chinese. It’s he that cannot accept me. It’s he that focusing on the differences instead of accepting the commons. What can I do?

I do not doubt my ability to adapt, to accept and to fit in. I have done it several time in different countries. But no matter how much I settled in, I still have to be myself. I cannot just drift with the flow. After all, not everyone thinks alike even amongst Chinese nations itself. So no matter how Chinese I am, I am still different, depending on who and how one compare!

At the end of the day, and most importantly, I am the one that came to China and living in China. There are countless wealthy and capable Chinese leaving the Country thinking that the grass is greener the other side and the noon is bigger and rounder overseas. So don’t judge me!!!

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4 October 2009

It was Chinese mid-autumn festival yesterday. It’s said that mid-autumn has the brightest and most beautiful full moon in the year. Chinese believe full moon resembles being together. But I just had a saddest and loneliest mid-autumn festival!

I have put myself in a place with no friends, no support, nobody! Just me, alone! With no one to turn to!! So pathetic!!! I once had friends who cares and loves me, who share my happiness and sorrows but they are all around. I have chosen to let go everything, including good friends, to come to this big country. I remember Amanda said I am the type of person who needs friends around. What an agony, I have none around me in this mid-autumn evening, in a country known for having high population!!!

Yesterday I sat in my room trying to clear as many work emails as possible after two weeks backlog. After awhile, I cannot focus anymore. It gets dull and difficult. I wanted to do something else but what? Yeah, go out! Didn’t I say I wanted to go to Tian’an-Men Square? Do it then! Emm… going to the crowd alone? Err… not really a good idea… the atmosphere will made me felt even lonelier. I then scrolled through my “friend list” in my mind and tried to think of someone to call. Didn’t need to take long, the list is short, the answer is no! Who will be that free to accompany me in such evening? All are with their families.

Having no choice, at upmost desperate, I called Jeffery, knowing that he might be having dinner with family and unable to talk much. Thank God! He spares one hour of Jeffery’s time for me. Jeff is in Shanghai but he is sweet enough to listen to my grumble and patiently advising me for an hour!

He asked me not to rush into decision. He said there are no two identical characters and no such thing as perfect partner. So we have to learn to compromise. There is no right or wrong in a relationship. It’s how much we willing to compromise. He asked me to mind my attitude. In a fight, it’s the attitude that counts not the facts. He had gathering with friends the night before. Many of the friends ended up divorcing and they discussed about relationship and “skill” of being together. They concluded few points: all couples fight; give in; compromise; mind our attitude; think of the bigger picture – the happy time of being together… “不就是过日子吧”, this is his favorite quote.

I agreed absolutely with him but it’s easier said than do it. Besides, it’s not a matter of one person. If the problem is fundamental, it’s better to sort out in the beginning rather than try to live with it. Anyway, he asked me to cool down first and to give time to each other to think about it. Never make decision in anger – no matter how confident we are.

Thank God for giving me Jeffery’s time… It made a huge different!

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4 October 2009

“或许大家性格并不适合  祝你好运”

What a WONDERFUL “greetings” I get first thing in the morning when I turn on my phone.

It’s bright and sunny outside – another beautiful October morning. The text is like a tsunami hitting on a bright clear day, destroying everything. (Emm… I wonder what the weather condition is when tsunami happens!? Should check it out!)

Not that I am in a good mood when I woke up but the text message totally ruined my day. He made his choice. What should I do? Well, what can I do? Make a call? What to say? In a few incidences I said similar things too. Whenever I said things like this, I tried to prepare myself for the consequence and the pain. I should be ready, shouldn’t I? No, we are never ready for things like this. It’s still hurt! I knew it. Just learn to live with it!

It’s a choice: patch up or let it be.

It is not difficult to patch up because we still love each other (I think). But what’s next? If the cause the fight is not sorted out, same will happen again. To be together, it requires lots of compromises and communications. Communication is what we lack of! The path ahead is tough and it need effort from both, not one, to be able to walk together till the end.

To let go is hurting!!! It means I will lose him forever; ruin all the sweet dreams we had; back to single lifestyle again.

This was not an easy choice but I did not take long to decide. Yeah, I need to pull myself together – I have a flight to catch. I replied the text, agreed with him and send him my blessing.

Oh! Believe me, it’s painful!!! Thank God when He created human, He had foreseen all these pains and sorrows. He incorporated “numbness” in our body to cushion us from pains and sorrows. For the next few hours, I was numbed, blurred and falling apart. I have no strength to leave the bed, no strength to walk. I cannot recall how I put myself together again, how I get down my apartment, cross the road and get onto the taxi. In the taxi, the driver is busy on his mobile but the conversations did not interest me.  Outside, sky is still crispy blue, birds are still singing, roads are still busy. Many people are driving out of town for family outing. Traffic is busy. Presumably, most people on the road are with their love ones, happy and excited, except me!

Over the years, I have been very careful trying not to hurt myself. Nevertheless, it still happens! Can’t help it. There are things beyond control and there are things that I cannot compromise. Today’s choice would mean that I might be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Just pray that I don’t regret it later…

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8 May 2009

It’s in the flight between London and Hong Kong, I watched the late 90’s movie, “Goodwill Hunting”. Yes, it’s an old movie and it’s not my normal style watching old movie. I don’t like old movies. I find them “boring” – their pace and dialogues are “out”. This is an exception. I think it’s because the movies offered in the BA flights are all boring, to my definition. I have been given no other better choice but this, especially when one flow twice in a month. :p

I have watched this movie before, long time ago, can’t even remember whether I watched it in the cinema or on VCD (back then, DVDs were not common). Anyway, it’s a good movie – touching and loving. I was crying while watching this. Again, this is not the type of movie that I will normally watch. I don’t like “slow” movies, with lots of dialogues and I don’t like sad story (but this one is not). These are usually the style of those awards winning movies – that’s why I don’t like awards winning movies. Well, I am not up to that “high” standard to “understand” them. I am just a lay person, watching simple, happy-ending commercial movies.

I have a very different feeling the second time watching this movie. I have forgotten practically all the scenes.  I only remember the two main characters – Robbie William and Matt Damon, both smart and stubborn. This time, I seem to understand the story and characters better. This could be because my English has improved and I am more mature and more understanding now. Hahaha!!!

Also, this time I noticed theme song (or music). I love it! How can I not notice it the last time I watched this movie!!! How to I put it… it’s light and gentle, calming…

As a whole, the movie is quite predictable but there were enough touching elements to make me tearing. The pace was just nice!

19 April 2009 – 5 May 2009

After 2 weeks of hectic travelling and meetings, finally, I’m back in Xi’an.

There was hardly any chance for me to sit down and have some quiet time to myself during these 2 weeks. There were countless meetings, one after another, back-to-back. During some evenings, there were work-related dinners which I cannot escape. Two weeks, I thought I have time for friends in London, but I was wrong. Though I did spent a couple of dinners with friends, I don’t have much quality time with each of them. That’s the problem of having too many people around. At the end, nothing in depth was shared. Just common chats.

Many things have changed. Though expected and prepared, I still felt helpless. Nothing is forever, I know. I am glad I still have many good friends in London. Our lives have changed: Angie is uncertain about her job and where next; Isabelle is happily married and expecting her second baby; Kennie is getting married very soon (I think); Joe Peng is going to be a British citizen; Sandro too, is getting married (I think) and getting her citizenship soon; Patrick busy is doing PhD; Benson and Jia Nee are working towards their goals and wants…. We still have time for each other!

Oh, Kaitlyn is such a lovely girl. She is so smart! And the best thing is she does not make lots of noise. She can play with anyone, not crying and very obedient. Playing with her make me have the “chong dong” of have my own kid. :p It’s a blessing for Belle to have her and of course, without Belle’s patient and love, Kaitlyn can’t be such lovely. What a wonderful mummy and lovely little girl!!!

To all my dearest and precious friends, I am sorry that I don’t have much time for all of you. I should have good hours of chat with each of you but I did. Sorry!

Angie, I’m sorry for keeping you awake till late. I missed the time we spent together. We can have endless talks, everyday! I missed your smile and your support. Next time, I should allocate one day – just booked as “catching up with Angie”. Oh, thank you for the lovely dinner. It’s full of “ai-xin” (爱心). I am ashamed that I did help up at all. No matter what excuses, there are all irrelevant.

Sandro, you are the one I spent most time with. Lately, we have talked a lot. Well, you almost break Angie’s record of chatting on the phone with me! Thanks for helping and researching on tax refund, houses and bank borrowings. I don’t think any good dinner can pay for it. I should seriously consider remunerating you an “advisor’s fee”. Emm… of course this has to be on success… hehehe… Also, you are a good counsel

Joe Peng, I am happy to know that you are okay with your job. Though longer hours, I can see you are happier.

Lastly, I still cannot break my tradition of leaving things behind wherever I go. This time’s what again??? My mobile phone! At the airport! Gosh! Still cannot escape the same old faith, even at the very last minute!

My schedule:

Sunday, 19 April

Evening flight from Xi’an to Shanghai

Monday, 20 April

3 meetings in Shanghai; evening flight from Shanghai to Hong Kong

Tuesday, 21 April

4 meetings in Hong Kong; evening flight from Hong Kong to London

Wednesday, 22 April

Arrived at London early in the morning and meeting started on the same afternoon; Board meeting and dinner in the evening

Thursday, 23 April

Meetings in London; dinner with friends

SANDRO went to the wrong restaurant! Hahaha…

Friday, 24 April

Meetings in Manchester

Dinner with friends; Vic, thanks for coming

Saturday, 25 April

Rest day – Cambridge leisure walk with friends. It’s a beautiful sunny day!

Sunday, 26 April

Rest day – Drinks with Benson and Sandro; lots to catch up

SANDRO missed her last train home!

Monday, 27 April

Meetings in Birmingham

Tuesday - Friday, 28 April – 1 May

Countless meetings in London!!!

Dinner with Anthony and Stephanie on Tuesday; dinner with Chinese official on Thursday

Friday 28 April

Lovely dinner organized and prepared by Angie.

Saturday, 2 May

Sayonara to London and friends

Sunday, 3 May

Arrival at Hong Kong

Monday, 4 May

Run errands; evening flight from Hong Kong to Xi’an

Lousy, super inefficient and no brain custom at Xi’an!!!