I went to a factory today. It's south of the Qinglin Mountain range. On the way back, when driving throught the mountain range, the beautiful autumn colours caught my eyes. Oh, I should try to go there this weekend! Let's pray for me...

I once told a friend I have many little targets in life but never a big one. This is because small targets are easier to achieve and big one is stressful. He doesn't agree, saying that targets should be something difficult to achieve and must work hard for them. I told him nowadays, "taking day off" is my "target".

 

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Yang called this morning.  I am amaszed that he felt like nothing had happened. I don't like this way of handling issues - running away from them and pretend problems are resolved the next day. I can also act like him - take it as if nothing happened. However, the problem still exists and if not resolves, it will turn into bigger problem. I wonder how long can this last???!!!

 

Busy, busy, busy!!! There are so many things to do. Piles of backlog!!!

 

Tire. tire, tire!!! Long day every day. Never ending works...

 

Focus, focus, focus!!! Stay focus and handle things one-by-one.

 

 

4 October 2009

 

生立军说的对，世上是找不到100%理想的人，没有两个一样的人，我们也不可能和自己结婚。既然是两个不一样的人，想法、处事、态度不一是必然的，意见不合、争吵是难免的。既然如此，如果要能和睦相处，包容和沟通就是关键。

 

从科学角度：他是男，我是女；他以右脑为重，我以左脑主。从文化教育和成长环境：他接受了中国特色的共产思想教育，赶上了文革末期，经过了世人没经过的中国改革开发 --- 一个矛盾却又令人惊讶的年代。我接受的是融合了浓厚的殖民时代留下的制度、马来政治色彩以及老祖宗在文革前带过来的中华文化。性格上他内向、含蓄，我叛逆、好胜。光是这些因素就足以构成连串的矛盾和误解，如果不能好好沟通和包容，根本就可能相处。

 

有建设性的争吵何尝不是沟通呢？但他不爱争吵，认为那是包容。我不认同，个人认为只有通过沟通才能了解，了解了就自然就能包容。不理解、不接受却一味包容只会埋没问题，隐藏危机：一来问题没解决，二来问题爆发时就说不清了。所谓冰冻三尺非一日之寒，很多时候包容和逃避是一线之差，但结局却天壤之别。

 

生立军说身边很多朋友都是吵吵闹闹过日子的，婚前很少吵架的夫妇反而更快离婚。他也劝我不要冲动，没有绝对、没有对错，要我注意态度。争吵时对方往往不在乎对错，有理不一定能说清，但态度却很重要，因为对方只看到态度。我同意，也知道很多时候自己态度很强硬，令人很难接受，我接受批评，也乐意改进。我已经很注意了，但还是不够细心。我需要帮助，需要别人提醒。话又说回来，还是需要沟通。

 

沟通是门学问，一时半会儿也说不清，就是说清了，做起来也不容易。至少我争取、我尝试。那他呢？

 

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4 October 2009

 

He called before I board the flight, after the great message I received this morning. We spoke for about an hour. I notice that our problem is not just two of us. It’s my family, it’s my brought up, it’s my perceptions, it’s me being non-Chinese nation, it’s the pride and self esteem of a Chinese, it’s everything!!!

 

It seems that it’s me being non-Chinese nation that trigger everything. If everything my family or I said trigger his Chinese self-esteem and patriotism (could it be a reflection of lack of confidence or low self-esteem?), I have nothing much to say. Many of my views could easily made him felt insulted – being a Chinese nation. This is no longer issue of compromising. It’s too much for me to handle!!!

 

I am just a normal person. I cannot handle these nationalism things. My theory is simple: We don’t ask for respect, we EARN respect. It is only those who can’t earn it or lack of confident that will always think that people are not respecting or insulting them. Yes, he can perceive me or my family as ignorant and arrogant. Go ahead. If he wants to put such a big country in between two of us and sings the patriotic tune, then, too bad, the gap is to huge to bridge and I don’t have the ability to sing along.

 

I have come to China and have adapted to the Chinese way of thinking and doing things. I have also been accepted as a “Chinese” by many Chinese. It’s he that cannot accept me. It’s he that focusing on the differences instead of accepting the commons. What can I do?

 

I do not doubt my ability to adapt, to accept and to fit in. I have done it several time in different countries. But no matter how much I settled in, I still have to be myself. I cannot just drift with the flow. After all, not everyone thinks alike even amongst Chinese nations itself. So no matter how Chinese I am, I am still different, depending on who and how one compare!

 

At the end of the day, and most importantly, I am the one that came to China and living in China. There are countless wealthy and capable Chinese leaving the Country thinking that the grass is greener the other side and the noon is bigger and rounder overseas. So don’t judge me!!!

 

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4 October 2009

 

It was Chinese mid-autumn festival yesterday. It’s said that mid-autumn has the brightest and most beautiful full moon in the year. Chinese believe full moon resembles being together. But I just had a saddest and loneliest mid-autumn festival!

 

I have put myself in a place with no friends, no support, nobody! Just me, alone! With no one to turn to!! So pathetic!!! I once had friends who cares and loves me, who share my happiness and sorrows but they are all around. I have chosen to let go everything, including good friends, to come to this big country. I remember Amanda said I am the type of person who needs friends around. What an agony, I have none around me in this mid-autumn evening, in a country known for having high population!!!

 

Yesterday I sat in my room trying to clear as many work emails as possible after two weeks backlog. After awhile, I cannot focus anymore. It gets dull and difficult. I wanted to do something else but what? Yeah, go out! Didn’t I say I wanted to go to Tian’an-Men Square? Do it then! Emm… going to the crowd alone? Err… not really a good idea… the atmosphere will made me felt even lonelier. I then scrolled through my “friend list” in my mind and tried to think of someone to call. Didn’t need to take long, the list is short, the answer is no! Who will be that free to accompany me in such evening? All are with their families.

 

Having no choice, at upmost desperate, I called Jeffery, knowing that he might be having dinner with family and unable to talk much. Thank God! He spares one hour of Jeffery’s time for me. Jeff is in Shanghai but he is sweet enough to listen to my grumble and patiently advising me for an hour!

 

He asked me not to rush into decision. He said there are no two identical characters and no such thing as perfect partner. So we have to learn to compromise. There is no right or wrong in a relationship. It’s how much we willing to compromise. He asked me to mind my attitude. In a fight, it’s the attitude that counts not the facts. He had gathering with friends the night before. Many of the friends ended up divorcing and they discussed about relationship and “skill” of being together. They concluded few points: all couples fight; give in; compromise; mind our attitude; think of the bigger picture – the happy time of being together… “不就是过日子吧”, this is his favorite quote.

 

I agreed absolutely with him but it’s easier said than do it. Besides, it’s not a matter of one person. If the problem is fundamental, it’s better to sort out in the beginning rather than try to live with it. Anyway, he asked me to cool down first and to give time to each other to think about it. Never make decision in anger – no matter how confident we are.

 

Thank God for giving me Jeffery’s time… It made a huge different!

 

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4 October 2009

 

“或许大家性格并不适合  祝你好运”

What a WONDERFUL “greetings” I get first thing in the morning when I turn on my phone.

 

It’s bright and sunny outside – another beautiful October morning. The text is like a tsunami hitting on a bright clear day, destroying everything. (Emm… I wonder what the weather condition is when tsunami happens!? Should check it out!)

 

Not that I am in a good mood when I woke up but the text message totally ruined my day. He made his choice. What should I do? Well, what can I do? Make a call? What to say? In a few incidences I said similar things too. Whenever I said things like this, I tried to prepare myself for the consequence and the pain. I should be ready, shouldn’t I? No, we are never ready for things like this. It’s still hurt! I knew it. Just learn to live with it!

 

It’s a choice: patch up or let it be.

 

It is not difficult to patch up because we still love each other (I think). But what’s next? If the cause the fight is not sorted out, same will happen again. To be together, it requires lots of compromises and communications. Communication is what we lack of! The path ahead is tough and it need effort from both, not one, to be able to walk together till the end.

 

To let go is hurting!!! It means I will lose him forever; ruin all the sweet dreams we had; back to single lifestyle again.

 

This was not an easy choice but I did not take long to decide. Yeah, I need to pull myself together – I have a flight to catch. I replied the text, agreed with him and send him my blessing.

 

Oh! Believe me, it’s painful!!! Thank God when He created human, He had foreseen all these pains and sorrows. He incorporated “numbness” in our body to cushion us from pains and sorrows. For the next few hours, I was numbed, blurred and falling apart. I have no strength to leave the bed, no strength to walk. I cannot recall how I put myself together again, how I get down my apartment, cross the road and get onto the taxi. In the taxi, the driver is busy on his mobile but the conversations did not interest me.  Outside, sky is still crispy blue, birds are still singing, roads are still busy. Many people are driving out of town for family outing. Traffic is busy. Presumably, most people on the road are with their love ones, happy and excited, except me!

 

Over the years, I have been very careful trying not to hurt myself. Nevertheless, it still happens! Can’t help it. There are things beyond control and there are things that I cannot compromise. Today’s choice would mean that I might be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Just pray that I don’t regret it later…

 

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Family photo